Powerful Message

 This popped up in my news feed today. It was 6 years ago now. I had searched for this post many times, but figured I must've deleted it. Glad I didn't.

I'm usually private, but then I realized well might as well be straight up. No more job to lose or people to infuriate since I usually live across the ocean. As many others in this very cruel world, I have mental health problems. I was in the hospital, (psych ward) for 13 days. My incredible mom flew out on a plane to take care of my son. I still require some extra attention and help which is why we flew back with her. Pryor to my hospitalization, I was under the falisy that my mental problems started when I acquired PTSD, but rather that just compounded my problems. The main things I learned were that the psych ward is a lot like prison, your mind is very powerful, put yourself first, and find something or someone else to believe in when yourself just isn't enough. I built up some anger while I was in there, but I'm choosing to use it to enlighten others and spread awareness on mental health problems. If you feel you have mental health issues go get seen, don't continue to sweep them under the rug, and please stop judging those of us whose wounds are not visible. Say hello to a passers-by, hold a door open for a stranger.  Make someone's life better today.

Good Day

 Yesterday was legitimately a good day. I just took the day in stride, in little parts. My son kept asking Mom can I go to my uncle's later. I just kept telling him I don't know we'll see how the day goes. 

We were able to get more school work done than we have any other day so far this year. We would do one assignment then I'd give him a little break. Then we'd do another one. We got some tasty lunch. We played some wiffle ball. He had school in the afternoon so I got a little alone time with my husband. I took my son to speech. We picked up some dinner. 

I finally took him to his uncles in the evening. I was originally only going to let him stay for like an hour or an hour and a half and then go pick him up so I didn't have to be alone. I would normally come back home and probably lay down. However, instead I chose to listen to some music and then pick up the phone to call a cousin I hadn't spoken to in quite some time. We ended up being on the phone for about an hour and a half. We had a great conversation. It was long overdue. Then I finally picked up my son. Spent a little time with him. Then we went to sleep.

While I didn't do anything over the top or particularly special it was a good/ great day for me. I didn't let depression take over and keep me in bed or down all day. I chose to just do the next thing, go with the flow, take it in stride. If I would have looked at the day as a whole it might have been overwhelming and might not have gone nearly as well. 

I'm writing this to remind myself that while we go through hard times we can still have good days if we just slow down and take things step by step. Every day doesn't have to be a bad day and we can document good, ordinary times as well. 

I have grown to learn not to compare myself to others. A good day for me might just be an ordinary day for somebody else or even a bad day. Everyone's perspective and experiences are different. And that's ok. My house may never be clean, but that doesn't make me a bad wife or mother. I just need to be present and live in the moment and continue to cherish every hug my son gives me because it may not last forever. I'm blessed for the life I have and I need to remember that.

I am going to try to tackle today the same way I did yesterday taking everything one step at a time. I don't know what today will bring but I'm just going to try to live in the moment and be present.

I'll update this blog as I see fit. It may be everyday or it may not be for another six months just don't know. Whatever feels therapeutic for me is what I'll do. I do this to help me, but I share it with all of you in hopes it will potentially help others as well. Please feel free to share the link suicideandptsd.blogspot.com with anyone you want to and you're welcome to email me anytime at suicideandptsd@gmail.com. You can also sign up for email updates to get notifications of when I add new posts.

Take care until next time.

Awake

 It's about four o'clock in the morning. I've been up about two hours now. I fell asleep just fine with my son last night, but I guess I never turned the light off. Therefore when I woke up at two the light was shining in my eyes. I really didn't feel like getting up just to turn it off so I tried ignoring it and falling back asleep. I fell asleep for a couple of minutes I think, but then woke right back up and I've been up ever since.

The thing that initially prevented me from falling back asleep was replaying my initial visit to the hospital when I was diagnosed with the ectopic pregnancy. That led to thinking of all my recent visits to the hospital. Which of course led to do I want another baby. I thought long and hard about having another child for several years through my days in Hawaii and Maryland even, but I was not in a good headspace and I was hesitant giving my past experiences with being so sick with my son, the 36-hour labor, the delivery, the postpartum psychosis, his autism and speech challenges. Do I really want to potentially go through all of that all over again? Sometimes my answer is definitely not! However, there are times especially going through this ectopic that I want another child more than ever. So all that played through my head preventing me from falling back asleep.

At four o'clock I finally decided forget it, I'm getting up. When I came downstairs I started trying to problem solve on how my son and I are going to get all his school work done this week. I took a few hours for self-care yesterday getting my tattoos which unfortunately put us further behind, but it was necessary.

I know I'm far from the only one who's ever woken up in the middle of the night and had trouble sleeping. However, it seems as if most people just get overtired. I have to really monitor my sleep because a few sleepless nights can lead to hypomania where I don't feel like I need sleep at all. This then can lead to full-blown Mania where I haven't slept for weeks and I end up in the hospital again. I'm nowhere near there, just a little tired, but it's always a concern of what it could potentially turn into. I'm actually really lucky and impressed with myself that sleep troubles haven't been a consistent thing given my current situation.

Yesterday was a good day. I got two new tattoos. Not exactly the two I had thought I was going to get, but two I'm happy with. The first one was what I originally had the appointment for. The second one I had planned on he wanted to take more time to draw up so we had a consultation about that one and I got a different one yesterday. It was more of an impulse decision. I usually don't make those, I tend to think long and hard about things. But it felt good to just do it. I put it on the back of my neck so if I'm not crazy about it I don't have to see it. Everyone else sees it and I'm okay with that or I'll just cover it up with my hair. In addition, while picking up some paper work, I got to see my favorite nurse yesterday for a few minutes where we were just laughing and it wasn't so serious. It was nice to share those moments in a different light.

Well it was 4:40 a.m. when I finished writing this. Now it's 5:09 as I'm wrapping up putting this online. I don't know why but typing it up isn't nearly as therapeutic for me as writing it on good old-fashioned paper. Hopefully writing this out will help me to get back to sleep. I guess I better try to lay back down before my son wakes up in about an hour.

Ectopic Pregnancy

 Today has been a hard day. I've been dealing with an ectopic pregnancy for nearly four months now. Before you go saying congrats go look up the word. It's basically where it's a pregnancy, but the baby is growing somewhere outside of the uterus. Many people call this a tubal pregnancy because it is often in the tubes. However, they could not show me where the baby was growing. They could only show me where it wasn't growing. If the baby continues to grow outside of the uterus it becomes life-threatening for the mother (me). Therefore, I had to terminate the pregnancy by receiving medication.

Initially the medication worked. Between days four and 7 my HCG (pregnancy hormone) had dropped by nearly 30%, almost double what they were looking for. I was off to a good start in their eyes. Then, I had to go into the lab every week after that to make sure my HCG was going down. This took a toll on me emotionally for multiple reasons. Seeing all the pregnant women and newborn babies was hard, sitting there forever was hard, not being able to try again for another baby is hard. It's all just hard. I feel like I've overcome quite a bit in life, I've been resilient, but this is still hard. Sure I can tap into my toolbox of things I've learned along my journey, but it is still hard. I know I will get through it, but it's still hard. And on top of everything there's still no end in sight. This could go on for another four plus months. Nobody knows.

I'm trying to remain optimistic that this will hurry up and get over, but I feel like that will hurt too. I'm trying to remain optimistic that we will be able to try again sooner than later, we'll still want another child by then, and the pregnancy will be normal without complications. I keep having to quiet the voices in my head that make me think otherwise or question what if scenarios. The nurse told me today I hope we can look back on this in another year and you'll be pregnant with the baby in the right spot or you'll already have given birth to a healthy baby and we'll just look back at this time as a speed bump in the road. I'm going to hold on to that and keep telling myself that and pray to God she's right.

I'm so tempted to smoke again. I haven't smoked for quite some time, but I'm really having to fight off the urge to do it. If I do give in to the temptation I need to look at it as a healing mechanism, not a failure. Just a way for me to cope and push through. I'll quit again like I've done every other time. I know I will.

The main outlet I've found over the past couple months is ink therapy. I've gotten four new tattoos so far and at least one more tomorrow, possibly more. There are so many things I am not allowed to or not supposed to do with this ectopic, but no one told me I couldn't get a tattoo. They have been very therapeutic for me. You get a tattoo it hurts/ is irritating, you watch yourself bleed, it sometimes scabs, it heals, you nurture it by washing it and keeping lotion on it. It heals into something beautiful. You're still hurting when it's healed, but it's a great distraction.

In addition, I've reached out to people. I reached out to multiple people via text and I've asked a couple of people to meet up. It's hard for me to ask people to get together, but I know it's necessary. So in that regard I'm actually doing better at taking care of myself now than before the ectopic. I see the pastor most weeks and go to church when I can.

Finally I'm hoping writing this blog is therapeutic. I've been pretty scatterbrained today, can't focus on much and I've had a lot on my mind. I'm hoping by getting it out on paper I can focus on other things and move forward.

Daily Check-in/ Mood scale

 

    Since I have bipolar disorder this is a scale I made in order for me to be able to distinguish where I

might be in terms of mania and depression at any given moment.  One is the most depressed I've ever

been, ten is the most manic I've ever been, five is stable. Therefore, three is moderate depression and

eight is likely hypo-mania (not quite manic, but higher than stable.)  It is a good guide for me to be able

to check in with myself and know if I'm approaching a danger zone.  I am able to share this with my

providers, family and friends for them to be able to easily identify where I'm at as well, especially if I

don't recognize these symptoms in myself.  It is easy to be in denial.

    While you may not have bipolar disorder, a scale of this type could be created for whatever condition

you or a loved one may have.  For instance, you could make a scale of your anxiety levels or simply just

depression levels as well.  If this looks overwhelming, it doesn't have to be this detailed.  The scale I

originally created with my counselor when I wasn't in a stable place was much simpler and less

detailed.  It is attached below.

My life today

         June 2019 my family and  I moved back home to Colorado.  I had been stable for several months 

before leaving Maryland once I was on the right amounts of the right medications.  I've been stable in 

Colorado up until this point as well.  I can only hope and pray it stays that way.  I can also use the tools

I have learned along the way to take care of myself.  

    Moving back to Colorado has been great for me.  While I left two wonderful friends who I usually 

saw weekly back in Maryland, here in Colorado I have my tremendous family.  My mom, stepdad,

and brother are all willing to take my son if I need time for myself.  They are all supportive, 

understanding and live nearby.  I see them and communicate with them very often.  I am currently

growing in my faith.  I feel like I am establishing a good, healthy relationship with God.  I also believe

my beliefs are healthy.

    Writing about my life currently is the hardest part of this blog.  Naturally I want to say I'm fine, 

everything is fine.  However, if I did I wouldn't be keeping it real.  While mostly everything is good

with my mental health I still have a couple of complaints.  Right now my chief complaints are that I feel

"off" in the evening sometimes and I have low energy.  Feeling "off" is really hard to describe.

Basically I just start feeling different around 7 o'clock or 8 o'clock at night.  All I want to do is sleep and

close my eyes until it passes.  I used to think maybe it was anxiety, but since the anxiety medication

doesn't seem to help it I have my doubts.  I'm not sure what it is or what causes it.  The only way for it

to go away is to go to sleep, but it's hard to get to sleep when I feel like that.  In addition I have low

energy which leads to little desire to do things.  I do not feel depressed so I'm not sure what's causing it

and my providers don't either.

    Somewhere along the way (I think between Hawaii and Maryland) I no longer met the criteria for

PTSD.  With the help of EMDR therapy I had worked my way beyond that diagnosis.  Now I'm 

classified as having an unspecified anxiety disorder with previous trauma.  Even though the PTSD may 

have provoked the bipolar disorder, unfortunately I will always have bipolar 1 disorder.  That doesn't go

away.  This means I will likely be on medication for the rest of my life.  The way I look at it is people 

take medication for all types of things, why not for your mental health?  It's certainly better and more 

beneficial than self medicating.  I hear people say all the time I don't want to take medication or I refuse

to take medication.  I take my medication for my family.  They deserve a stable mother, wife, daughter

and sister.  

    While I no longer have PTSD, I still have triggers.  I also still have nightmares from time to time.  

Usually it's someone putting a gun up to their head.  It's not always the person I witnessed take his own 

life.  Sometimes it's other people I love and care about.

    Overall writing this blog has been freeing for me.  It has been very therapeutic.  I feel lighter.  I have 

more energy.  I just hope and pray it lasts.  If you're struggling right now I would encourage you to talk

to someone.  If you don't feel comfortable with or can't afford a counselor, talk to a friend or family

member.  If that isn't possible, then write everything that causing you pain or trouble down.  Just get it

out of your head.  I hope it's as therapeutic for you as it has been for me.

    Thank you for your time and support.  Please feel free to comment.  If you don't feel comfortable 

commenting on the blog, you are welcome to send me an email at suicideandptsd@gmail.com. I would

love to start a conversation with you.  Add your email for email updates on this blog.  I think you click

on the three white lines at the top, then it will allow you to add an email in order to get email updates.  I

plan to add more things to this blog as they come to me.

   

    

Tools and coping strategies to get through another trigger

     I spent the next couple years depressed.  However, I had become so used to the way I was feeling it

became "normal" to me so I thought I was fine.  We moved to Maryland.  My new psychiatrist told me

she never would have put me on the combination of medication I was on.  Therefore she would watch

closely for when was the best time to make a change.  This was sort of refreshing to hear because the

whole time I was in Hawaii I told my psychiatrist the medicine wasn't working.  However, she didn't

believe me or listen.

    There was a day I decided to get a java chip frappuccino from Starbucks.  I took a sip and thought I

don't know how I can drink this.  However, I bought it so I drank it. It felt like a drug.  It just pumped 

through my veins and gave me so much energy.

    The next time I saw my psychiatrist wasn't too long after that.  She asked me a series of questions to

which I responded "not yet."  I was headed towards mania.  This time, at this point, I had hypo-mania

meaning not quite stable, but not yet manic.  She said she thought it was the right time to make a 

medication change.  While I was feeling great in my hypo-manic state, I agreed with her because I

didn't want to end up in full mania again and end up in the hospital again.  The medicine she added was

Latuda.

    If I didn't take this medicine right at five every night me and my husband would get in a fight.  I 

became so irritable the smallest things would make me go off and get me very upset.  They didn't feel

like small things to me, but I'm sure they were to my husband.

    Towards the beginning of this medication change I had another trigger.  This time I got the news that

my cousin had completed suicide.  This really affected me.  I was in a fragile place.  I still wasn't on the

right amount of medication.  I was having a hard time. (when you start a new medication or come off a

medication you do it gradually in steps.  For instance I started on 20 mg of Latuda.  I was on that for a

couple of days to a week, then 40 mg for a few days to a week.  Then 60, 80, and so on until you reach

the correct dosage.)

    Thankfully I had the best counselor and psychiatrist a person could ask for.  Luckily my counselor

had the room in her schedule to see me just about everyday.  You may be thinking that's overload, but it

wasn't.  I needed it.  I probably could have/should have been in the hospital again.  Luckily since I was

able to be seen everyday my psychiatrist felt comfortable enough that I didn't need to be admitted.

    During that period of time I saw my psychiatrist weekly.  Many psychiatrists strictly manage

medication.  Mine did much more.  She talked to me just like a counselor would. This was great 

because she knew what I was going through which I think helped her to manage my medication better. 

I remember one time I was talking to her about having another child.  She took me through some

exercise where we found out basically my heart said just do it, but my head told me not to.  I learned to

completely trust my psychiatrist.  I don't trust many people and given the history I had with my

previous psychiatrist, that was huge for me.

    Coping / dealing with my cousin's suicide I used many tools and coping mechanisms to get by and to

heal.  First of all I started seeking God again.  My counselor prayed with me and answered any

questions I had about God.  Even though I still wasn't quite sure I completely believed in God I needed

the human interaction to heal so I began to attend church and bible studies.  I never really felt like I fit

in or belonged in the Bible studies, but I went for the human interaction.  When you're having a hard

time it's important not to isolate yourself, you need to be around people rather you want to be or not.

    I listened to music 24/7.  I had a pair of tribit headphones (which I highly recommend) I got off of

Amazon.  They were like $50 and sounded great.  They did a good job blocking out background noise. 

I took those things everywhere.  I went to the store, headphones on.  Walking in and waiting in the

waiting room for my counselor or psychiatrist I was listening to music.  I went somewhere to get food, I

listened to music.  Of course in the car I listened to music.  At home even watching TV half the time I 

had my headphones on.  My music kept me grounded and out of my own head.  I had a playlist I

consistently listened to, nothing else because I couldn't handle anything else.  I couldn't handle the 

thoughts other songs may have provoked or stirred up.

    I also kept a journal of everything I did.  I would write in my notebook from the time I got up in the

morning to the time I went to sleep at night.  Then the next day I would take my notebook with me to

therapy and my counselor would help me process it.  I still have all my journal entries.  I thought of

writing a book from them, but I think I'll just turn them into some entries at the end of this blog.

    I did mindfulness exercises.  I did 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. This is an exercise where you use your senses.  You

find five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can

smell, and one thing you can taste.  I could never remember what order to do things in so I basically just

used my senses to ground myself and get back to the present moment.  I did visualization exercises

where you picture yourself somewhere safe and go there with your mind describing as many details as

possible.  I did relaxation exercises where you listen to a guided meditation of starting from your head

or your toes and working your way to the other end of your body, clenching different body parts as hard

as you can, then releasing so you can feel where the tension is in your body and relax.

    Lastly I smoked Black and Milds, went for walks and stood in the sun as much as I could.  Smoking

wasn't probably the healthiest of choices, but it helped me.  I walked to try to be healthier and clear my

mind while listening to music.  Plus my dog liked it.  Exercise is highly recommended for mental 

health issues and really just for everyone.  I stood in the sun because the vitamin D is good

for depression and mental health in general.

    During this time my neck and shoulders were always so tense.  They always hurt.  Smoking would

release them briefly.  I also went to physical therapy a couple of times per week.  The massages would

help and the e-stim would help, but the exercises typically didn't.  It was all stress.  There is no real

release or help until you can alleviate the anxiety/stress.

    I don't remember exactly how long I used these tools and coping mechanisms.  I'm sure it was several

months.  Eventually I was able to function without the music 24/7 and scaled back gradually.  I could

handle songs outside of my playlist.  I didn't need to write everything down everyday anymore.  I

stopped smoking.  I still have these things in my toolbox in case I need them, but I'm not dependent on

them everyday to survive anymore.

    By the time I left Maryland I had even begun to interact with people in a work environment which I

hadn't really done since I lost my job. I became a volunteer for two different organizations.  I feel like I

was able to function fairly well and do the tasks that were asked of me.  Thankfully my supervisor was

very understanding and a delight to work with.