Can't sleep again. Yesterday I was frustrated. When I went to bed last night I couldn't stop thinking about dieing. This morning I woke up frustrated. I'm frustrated because I'm trying to figure out which provider to go with and neither one of them are helping me out. My current provider has me diagnosed with bipolar depression. I tried to ask her why because she's known me for quite awhile to get some insight and see if I believe her, but she won't tell me why. I'm assuming it's just because her assessment told her that. I'm thoroughly frustrated with the provider over seeing my treatment. I tried to ask her if I switched over care what her approach would be and what diagnosis she thought I had. She won't answer me either. I looked for a response for over a week just to find out she's not going to respond. She doesn't want to step on my current providers toes. Well I need some clarity to make a decision. If she agrees with her former providers diagnosis she will approach it as if I have major depressive disorder. I know that is going to be a completely different approach than what I've had in the past. I'm hoping it's the right approach and I can get some relief, but I'm not sold on it yet. On top of that they have two completely different styles. My current provider is ultra conservative. If something has any potential harmful side effects she doesn't believe in prescribing it. The provider over seeing my treatments seems to more weigh benefits vs risks and will prescribe just about anything she thinks will help. One says this'll be great and could help with your depression and vomiting. The other says it can cause Mania. Like wtf.
My current provider I have the potential to get ahold of any time. She checks her email all the time so she's responded to me on a Saturday night before. She usually only takes a couple of days to get back to me and her availability is fairly open. I can often get in to see her within a couple of days if need be. I like that. But does it matter if she doesn't have me on the right medications... the over seeing provider of my treatments has much less availability and she doesn't check her email when she's not working. Sounds like it'd take at least two weeks to get in with her on a good day. I don't like that at all. I need a provider I can be in touch with, but if she's the one who will put me on the right medications it may not be a big deal.
I had two to four days where I had relief from my mental health symptoms. It was like heaven even though I was still experiencing nausea and vomiting. I just want more days like that and I'm not sure who, if anybody, is going to be able to get me there. They say oh it's only two weeks until you see the over seeing provider then you'll know. Well right now two weeks feels like an eternity it's weighing so heavily on my mind. I don't know if that glimpse was due to the tms and ketamine or the not sleeping much for days. Nothing else changed.
I'm frustrated because I'm still throwing up just about everyday. I have an appointment with the gi Dr. in a couple of hours to discuss my current symptoms and plan moving forward. I don't have high hopes it'll do any good. I've been waiting to get my stomach figured out before resuming my fertility treatment, but it feels like that's never going to happen so I don't know what to do. Do I just jump back in knowing if I'm pregnant they're just going to blame my nausea and vomiting on that and I'll likely never stop throwing up. I'm at a loss. I'm like if I'm throwing up everyday might as well be pregnant. At least I'll get something out of it.
If I'm pregnant I can't continue ketamine treatment. Not sure how much good it's doing so I'm not sure if that's a big deal or not. And if I do get pregnant again will it result in a healthy child I can cherish like I do my son. There's just so much unclarity in my life right now it's taking a toll on me.
