New providers

 I finally changed providers a week or two ago. Turns out it was long overdue. My new counselor helped me more in two sessions than my previous counselor did in over a year. I thought about either switching counselors or stopping going for awhile just didn't take the initiative cuz I wasn't doing terrible and I dread intakes. I actually look forward to my next appointment with my new counselor. 

I also found a new provider to manage my medications. She is a psychiatric nurse practitioner. This is the first time my main provider hasn't been a psychiatrist. Her approach is much different than anything I've experienced in the past. Time will tell if this is a good thing or not, but I'm hopeful and optimistic it will be. The first thing she did was go over my history and then she ordered genetic testing and more thorough blood work. My insurance covers it all which is a wonderful thing, but I'm frustrated given it's a covered benefit that no one has ever mentioned genetic testing to me before or try to do more thorough blood work. Supposedly the genetic testing will give my provider insight as to which medications and what doses may work best for me. I'm hopeful the results are accurate.

I thought I was on all the right medication until I started feeling better and having more energy and motivation. First I thought it was hypomania I was experiencing. However, now I think this is "normal" and before I was in a state of depression. Initially it was the right combination of meds I was on, but at some point that changed. Now the challenge is to figure out how to stay where I'm at and figure out a way to not feel so tired all the time.

This psych is a holistic provider and believes strongly in gut health and mental health being closely related. This is new to me, but I'm definitely open to learning and trying something new. Plus maybe it'll help me understand why my stomach is always hurting and make me feel better as a whole. 

After going over my mental health history my new psych mentioned she wasn't convinced that I have bipolar 1 disorder. She said I've experienced a lot of trauma and all my mental health concerns have been linked to that. She said that with depression you can experience psychosis. Manic episodes and psychosis have overlapping symptoms so it's hard to distinguish what your diagnosis should actually be. She also said depression can cause not sleeping. Since when I ended up in the hospital I hadn't slept for 12 days, she says anybody will be psychotic after that long with no sleep. I agree with that. For a long time I was in denial that I had bipolar 1 disorder because there were a lot of factors that went into why I ended up in the psych ward for nearly two weeks.  She said usually with bipolar disorder in childhood or adolescence you have a lot of ups and downs. I didn't experience any of that.  My problems other than depression didn't come to light until after I witnessed the suicide and acquired ptsd. Ptsd can cause a lot of problems too. She said she's going to keep my diagnosis as is, but she would like to get to know me better to see if it should be changed. 

This gives me mixed feelings. For years I was in denial that I had bipolar 1 disorder. Then I finally learned to accept it, even embrace it, live with the lifelong sentence, take my medication, and just roll with the punches. However hearing that it might not be bipolar disorder made me feel like maybe I was right all along and validated my feelings. 

12 hours sleep

 Last night I actually slept for 12 hours. I woke up just about every hour, but was able to fall back asleep fairly easily. I got out of bed about 5 a.m. I watch the Denver Nuggets highlights and then fell back to sleep. I ultimately got up at 8:06. I felt like I could have slept longer, but I had to get my son ready for school.

During the day I felt tired. It was easier to keep my eyes open, but I still felt tired. I don't feel like caffeine really does anything. I still feel tired regardless of how much I drink.

Since last Thursday when I started feeling better, I have taken a shower every morning. This is a far cry from what it was like previously. Today I feel tired, have slightly more energy than I used to, but not as much as the previous couple of days. Also I have motivation, but not as much as the previous couple of days. The past couple days I've thought about doing something and just did it. Today I have thought about doing something and then questioned if I really should or not/ hesitated.

Off on Halloween

 Today I woke up at 3:08 a.m. I slept about six and a half hours probably. My stomach hurts a little bit and I have a little bit of a headache, other than that I feel okay. I don't feel rested, but I also don't feel super tired. I already started cleaning the kitchen and I started the dishwasher. Usually when I'm up at this hour I'm writing, thinking, or playing games on my phone.  While I think it's perfectly fine,  having the energy or motivation to clean is out of the norm for me. 

Yesterday was Halloween. I was extremely tired after getting 8 hours of sleep the night before. At church I kept closing my eyes. Also during football I kept putting my head down. Even when looking at the screen, I probably only saw a handful of plays. It was hard for me to pay attention. My mind must have been somewhere else.

Around 4:45 I took my son and niece to trunk or treat at the church. Since it was so cold outside, the event took place inside. There were a lot of people in a small space and I kept having to herd two kids around to the right place. I felt very overwhelmed. When I first got there I told the kids to sit in their seat and not move while I went and got them ice cream bars.  I had went to get them chips,  but there was someone in the way talking.  I didn't have the patience to wait so I grabbed the ice cream bars instead. It was like I had to do that to keep my mind straight.

When we got back to my brother's house to go trick or treating I wanted to go right away. I felt like I needed to keep going. I started feeling off so I started trying to figure out how to work through it. I took a little walk with my husband. I thought maybe I couldn't stop moving or something. We were literally only gone like 2 or 3 minutes. When I got back to the house I figured I'd go to the bathroom thinking maybe that was it. That didn't help either so I tried sitting down. I put my head down and closed my eyes. I couldn't figure out what I needed to do to get past the off feeling. I still don't know what feeling off is. This time it started out with feeling overwhelmed. So maybe it is anxiety or at least triggered by anxiety. I hadn't felt off for at least a few days. Walking around with the kids trick-or-treating I felt alright. When we finally got home, I was super tired again and fell asleep around 8:30/9. The world series was on.  It was possibly the final game and I still couldn't stay awake/ didn't have the desire to watch it. Other than to go upstairs,  I didn't wake up at all.  Therefore,  I probably slept 6 straight hours.