Next tattoo

 It's 3:43 in the morning and I've been awake for about the past hour thinking about my next tattoo. I'm supposed to have a consultation tomorrow to talk about it with an artist. I guess that's why I can't sleep. I'm still trying to decide if it's the artist I want to go with, for sure what tattoo I want to get next, and if I should wait until after the holidays and after our next trip. My husband is very supportive so he said I could get it now if I want to. Tattoos are always so healing for me.

I'm looking to get a tattoo of three butterflies to represent the three pregnancies I've lost. I want them to look like 3D like they're sitting on my skin. I'm thinking I'll get one purple, one light blue, and one lime green. The guy I'm going to see tomorrow is one of the cheaper ones in town, but his work looks nice. So I'm leaning towards going with him.

I was originally going to get the butterflies on my foot. I think they'd be cute there and symbolic because what happened was painful and the foot is said to be very painful. However, now I'm thinking if I get it on my foot I'll see it more than I'd like to. I don't really wear sandals. Only really when I dress up and when I'm at the beach, but I'd see them every time getting in and out of the shower too. And I'm nervous about how they'd heal in my shoe. Will it get infected? Will it hurt to the point where I want him to stop?

So I'm thinking I'll get them on top but towards the back of my shoulder, under the mountains on my neck, or the back side of my arm I can't really see unless I twist it. I thought about getting it on the inside of my ankle or my calf too but I think I'd see those too much as well. I overthink everything. So I'm thinking if I get it on top towards the back of my shoulder what will I wear while getting it. A bathing suit top then pull my arm out. However, then I'd have to cover up my stomach with a shirt in order to feel somewhat comfortable. And how would it heal with my bra strap right on top of it. I think it'll be cute so I'd like someone to be able to see it, just not all the time myself. I'm afraid every time I look at it it'll bring back the pain of losing the pregnancies rather I'm already thinking about them or not. 

I'm also hesitant to get them right now too because it's right before Christmas and we have a trip planned at the end of March. Wondering if I should wait until after then, but tattoos are so healing for me. I'm wondering if getting it now would be best.

I also want a tattoo of two dolphins swimming side by side. One big, one small to represent my son and I. I kind of want to get that one first, but I'm thinking the butterflies will help me heal so maybe that's the one I get next. Plus then I could see if I like the artist before getting the dolphins. I think the Dolphins might be harder, possibly cost more, and they'd be on my arm in a spot where I'd see them a lot so I'd want them to look really good and realistic. 

TMS therapy 2nd week

 I'm currently in my second week of TMS. The positive I've noticed is that I have more motivation and energy to do things particularly in the morning around the house. I'm not sure if that's due to the ketamine, the TMS or that I went up on Lamictal from 250 to 300. I really don't think it was the Lamictal. So it was either the ketamine, the TMS or a combination of both. However, that's about all the positive I've noticed. Overall I'm not doing very well. I don't want to die which is good, but I don't really want to live either. I hope things get better very soon. I've tried talking to my psychiatric nurse practitioner and she told me to talk to the provider in charge of my TMS. I tried to talk to that provider, but I can't talk to her since I'm doing TMS. The way billing works it has to be one or the other. So I spoke to her nurse who relayed a message to her who relayed it back to me. Basically they told me that with TMS things get worse before they get better. I could wake up one day crying and not know why I'm crying. I could become pretty irritable. Mood tends to get worse before it gets better. However she assured me if I stick with it there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not supposed to change any of my medications while going through TMS. Mainly because they don't want to over treat. Why I can't talk to the provider in charge of TMS about my feelings while going through it is beyond me. You're messing with my brain and I can't talk to you.

I've been having a hard time getting through the day, especially the evening. I feel overwhelmed with how much time there is. My counselor mentioned maybe it's like a restless feeling. I'm trying to figure out what to do with my time now that I have a little more energy and I'm not just sleeping for 12- 15 hours a day. I try to sleep to get through the night which sometimes works. However my son told me he feels alone and sad when I sleep. That made me feel really bad. 

Last night I tried to figure out how to stay awake through the evening. I was pretty successful and didn't fall asleep until about 8:30. I don't understand how in the past sometimes I can literally just take life moment to moment and not even think about the rest of the day. So why now am I getting overwhelmed with having so much time. To me that tells me life isn't going too well. When you feel like you have too much time you're not doing well. When you feel like there's not enough time in a day I feel like life is going pretty good.

My husband and I recently spent a lot of time exploring the option of getting a new insurance through his work to cover IVF. In the end we opted to stay with our current insurance which does not cover IVF at all. Therefore if we decide to do IVF it'll be all out of pocket. We don't know if we'll ever do it. Hopefully things work out where we never have to. I've been trying not to think too much about having another child and just take the time to focus on my mental health for now. However I did talk to maternal Fetal Medicine and the provider told me that all my medications are fine to take during pregnancy. If I need to go back on lithium it's not as harmful as they once thought. If I took it after 12 weeks there would really be no chance of harm to the child. Before then would be very minimal. The main thing is I wouldn't be able to breastfeed on lithium. I'm really hoping I don't have to depend on lithium, but at least I know it's an option. However I would want to breastfeed so that would be a big problem. I won't worry about that unless the issue arises. 

I have an appointment next week to talk to a different doctor about the possibility of mini IVF. My current fertility Dr. does not believe in it. I kind of want to cancel the appointment because I don't want to think about it right now. However, right now I don't have to pay a copay for it so I'm thinking I might as well at least talk to her.