TMS therapy 2nd week

 I'm currently in my second week of TMS. The positive I've noticed is that I have more motivation and energy to do things particularly in the morning around the house. I'm not sure if that's due to the ketamine, the TMS or that I went up on Lamictal from 250 to 300. I really don't think it was the Lamictal. So it was either the ketamine, the TMS or a combination of both. However, that's about all the positive I've noticed. Overall I'm not doing very well. I don't want to die which is good, but I don't really want to live either. I hope things get better very soon. I've tried talking to my psychiatric nurse practitioner and she told me to talk to the provider in charge of my TMS. I tried to talk to that provider, but I can't talk to her since I'm doing TMS. The way billing works it has to be one or the other. So I spoke to her nurse who relayed a message to her who relayed it back to me. Basically they told me that with TMS things get worse before they get better. I could wake up one day crying and not know why I'm crying. I could become pretty irritable. Mood tends to get worse before it gets better. However she assured me if I stick with it there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not supposed to change any of my medications while going through TMS. Mainly because they don't want to over treat. Why I can't talk to the provider in charge of TMS about my feelings while going through it is beyond me. You're messing with my brain and I can't talk to you.

I've been having a hard time getting through the day, especially the evening. I feel overwhelmed with how much time there is. My counselor mentioned maybe it's like a restless feeling. I'm trying to figure out what to do with my time now that I have a little more energy and I'm not just sleeping for 12- 15 hours a day. I try to sleep to get through the night which sometimes works. However my son told me he feels alone and sad when I sleep. That made me feel really bad. 

Last night I tried to figure out how to stay awake through the evening. I was pretty successful and didn't fall asleep until about 8:30. I don't understand how in the past sometimes I can literally just take life moment to moment and not even think about the rest of the day. So why now am I getting overwhelmed with having so much time. To me that tells me life isn't going too well. When you feel like you have too much time you're not doing well. When you feel like there's not enough time in a day I feel like life is going pretty good.

My husband and I recently spent a lot of time exploring the option of getting a new insurance through his work to cover IVF. In the end we opted to stay with our current insurance which does not cover IVF at all. Therefore if we decide to do IVF it'll be all out of pocket. We don't know if we'll ever do it. Hopefully things work out where we never have to. I've been trying not to think too much about having another child and just take the time to focus on my mental health for now. However I did talk to maternal Fetal Medicine and the provider told me that all my medications are fine to take during pregnancy. If I need to go back on lithium it's not as harmful as they once thought. If I took it after 12 weeks there would really be no chance of harm to the child. Before then would be very minimal. The main thing is I wouldn't be able to breastfeed on lithium. I'm really hoping I don't have to depend on lithium, but at least I know it's an option. However I would want to breastfeed so that would be a big problem. I won't worry about that unless the issue arises. 

I have an appointment next week to talk to a different doctor about the possibility of mini IVF. My current fertility Dr. does not believe in it. I kind of want to cancel the appointment because I don't want to think about it right now. However, right now I don't have to pay a copay for it so I'm thinking I might as well at least talk to her.