Ketamine #5 and #6

 I finished my acute phase of ketamine infusion therapy. Overall I'm not feeling life and I've still been pretty down. I'm pretty upset/ disappointed. The first ketamine treatment helped, but ever since then hasn't been any better. I've been sleeping a lot, like 12 hours a night. Last night I slept about 12 hours, but I woke up and was able to do things. I still didn't particularly want to do things, feel like doing things, but I had the energy to. And I was able to. A lot of days I wake up and I just can't. Today I woke up and I could. I've been pretty productive so far today. Not sure what I'll do with the rest of the day. I start TMS therapy tomorrow. I'm still hopeful, but not as hopeful as I was that it'll work. I'm just tired of feeling down every day.

I was feeling really off/ anxious before my 5th ketamine treatment. Therefore I was given Ativan. It worked really well. My current nurse practitioner doesn't prescribe that class of medication so I'd have to switch providers if I want to take it again. Debating if I should or not. Ativan increases the chance for dementia with prolonged use and it can easily become habit forming. I'm wondering if it's worth it to use it short term. If it'd somehow cure this off feeling I get. 

I was told that maybe ketamine hasn't been as helpful as I'd hoped because I went off of lithium at the same time. Maybe it was helping more than I thought. I was hopeful that the ketamine would make up for the loss of lithium and I wouldn't notice a difference coming off of it, but that didn't seem to be the case. The nurse practitioner said I'd probably notice a difference in a couple weeks. I'm supposed to get a maintenance treatment of ketamine every month from here on out until I no longer need it. If I get pregnant I'll stop doing it as well. 

I've been doing a lot of research on different insurances offered by my husband's work. We'd be spending quite a bit more money a month and for the year but it includes IVF. So if we were to do IVF we'd actually save a ton of money by switching insurance. However, if we end up not doing IVF then we'll have spent a bunch of money unnecessarily. At this point I don't know what I want to do. Sometimes I wake up and I really want a baby and I want to grow our family. Other days I wake up and I don't have the energy, I don't want that level of responsibility again, and I don't know if I could take care of a baby anyway since I still feel off so much and have nausea everyday. Hopefully I get clarity sometime soon that lasts.