Tools and coping strategies to get through another trigger

     I spent the next couple years depressed.  However, I had become so used to the way I was feeling it

became "normal" to me so I thought I was fine.  We moved to Maryland.  My new psychiatrist told me

she never would have put me on the combination of medication I was on.  Therefore she would watch

closely for when was the best time to make a change.  This was sort of refreshing to hear because the

whole time I was in Hawaii I told my psychiatrist the medicine wasn't working.  However, she didn't

believe me or listen.

    There was a day I decided to get a java chip frappuccino from Starbucks.  I took a sip and thought I

don't know how I can drink this.  However, I bought it so I drank it. It felt like a drug.  It just pumped 

through my veins and gave me so much energy.

    The next time I saw my psychiatrist wasn't too long after that.  She asked me a series of questions to

which I responded "not yet."  I was headed towards mania.  This time, at this point, I had hypo-mania

meaning not quite stable, but not yet manic.  She said she thought it was the right time to make a 

medication change.  While I was feeling great in my hypo-manic state, I agreed with her because I

didn't want to end up in full mania again and end up in the hospital again.  The medicine she added was

Latuda.

    If I didn't take this medicine right at five every night me and my husband would get in a fight.  I 

became so irritable the smallest things would make me go off and get me very upset.  They didn't feel

like small things to me, but I'm sure they were to my husband.

    Towards the beginning of this medication change I had another trigger.  This time I got the news that

my cousin had completed suicide.  This really affected me.  I was in a fragile place.  I still wasn't on the

right amount of medication.  I was having a hard time. (when you start a new medication or come off a

medication you do it gradually in steps.  For instance I started on 20 mg of Latuda.  I was on that for a

couple of days to a week, then 40 mg for a few days to a week.  Then 60, 80, and so on until you reach

the correct dosage.)

    Thankfully I had the best counselor and psychiatrist a person could ask for.  Luckily my counselor

had the room in her schedule to see me just about everyday.  You may be thinking that's overload, but it

wasn't.  I needed it.  I probably could have/should have been in the hospital again.  Luckily since I was

able to be seen everyday my psychiatrist felt comfortable enough that I didn't need to be admitted.

    During that period of time I saw my psychiatrist weekly.  Many psychiatrists strictly manage

medication.  Mine did much more.  She talked to me just like a counselor would. This was great 

because she knew what I was going through which I think helped her to manage my medication better. 

I remember one time I was talking to her about having another child.  She took me through some

exercise where we found out basically my heart said just do it, but my head told me not to.  I learned to

completely trust my psychiatrist.  I don't trust many people and given the history I had with my

previous psychiatrist, that was huge for me.

    Coping / dealing with my cousin's suicide I used many tools and coping mechanisms to get by and to

heal.  First of all I started seeking God again.  My counselor prayed with me and answered any

questions I had about God.  Even though I still wasn't quite sure I completely believed in God I needed

the human interaction to heal so I began to attend church and bible studies.  I never really felt like I fit

in or belonged in the Bible studies, but I went for the human interaction.  When you're having a hard

time it's important not to isolate yourself, you need to be around people rather you want to be or not.

    I listened to music 24/7.  I had a pair of tribit headphones (which I highly recommend) I got off of

Amazon.  They were like $50 and sounded great.  They did a good job blocking out background noise. 

I took those things everywhere.  I went to the store, headphones on.  Walking in and waiting in the

waiting room for my counselor or psychiatrist I was listening to music.  I went somewhere to get food, I

listened to music.  Of course in the car I listened to music.  At home even watching TV half the time I 

had my headphones on.  My music kept me grounded and out of my own head.  I had a playlist I

consistently listened to, nothing else because I couldn't handle anything else.  I couldn't handle the 

thoughts other songs may have provoked or stirred up.

    I also kept a journal of everything I did.  I would write in my notebook from the time I got up in the

morning to the time I went to sleep at night.  Then the next day I would take my notebook with me to

therapy and my counselor would help me process it.  I still have all my journal entries.  I thought of

writing a book from them, but I think I'll just turn them into some entries at the end of this blog.

    I did mindfulness exercises.  I did 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. This is an exercise where you use your senses.  You

find five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can

smell, and one thing you can taste.  I could never remember what order to do things in so I basically just

used my senses to ground myself and get back to the present moment.  I did visualization exercises

where you picture yourself somewhere safe and go there with your mind describing as many details as

possible.  I did relaxation exercises where you listen to a guided meditation of starting from your head

or your toes and working your way to the other end of your body, clenching different body parts as hard

as you can, then releasing so you can feel where the tension is in your body and relax.

    Lastly I smoked Black and Milds, went for walks and stood in the sun as much as I could.  Smoking

wasn't probably the healthiest of choices, but it helped me.  I walked to try to be healthier and clear my

mind while listening to music.  Plus my dog liked it.  Exercise is highly recommended for mental 

health issues and really just for everyone.  I stood in the sun because the vitamin D is good

for depression and mental health in general.

    During this time my neck and shoulders were always so tense.  They always hurt.  Smoking would

release them briefly.  I also went to physical therapy a couple of times per week.  The massages would

help and the e-stim would help, but the exercises typically didn't.  It was all stress.  There is no real

release or help until you can alleviate the anxiety/stress.

    I don't remember exactly how long I used these tools and coping mechanisms.  I'm sure it was several

months.  Eventually I was able to function without the music 24/7 and scaled back gradually.  I could

handle songs outside of my playlist.  I didn't need to write everything down everyday anymore.  I

stopped smoking.  I still have these things in my toolbox in case I need them, but I'm not dependent on

them everyday to survive anymore.

    By the time I left Maryland I had even begun to interact with people in a work environment which I

hadn't really done since I lost my job. I became a volunteer for two different organizations.  I feel like I

was able to function fairly well and do the tasks that were asked of me.  Thankfully my supervisor was

very understanding and a delight to work with.