My life today

         June 2019 my family and  I moved back home to Colorado.  I had been stable for several months 

before leaving Maryland once I was on the right amounts of the right medications.  I've been stable in 

Colorado up until this point as well.  I can only hope and pray it stays that way.  I can also use the tools

I have learned along the way to take care of myself.  

    Moving back to Colorado has been great for me.  While I left two wonderful friends who I usually 

saw weekly back in Maryland, here in Colorado I have my tremendous family.  My mom, stepdad,

and brother are all willing to take my son if I need time for myself.  They are all supportive, 

understanding and live nearby.  I see them and communicate with them very often.  I am currently

growing in my faith.  I feel like I am establishing a good, healthy relationship with God.  I also believe

my beliefs are healthy.

    Writing about my life currently is the hardest part of this blog.  Naturally I want to say I'm fine, 

everything is fine.  However, if I did I wouldn't be keeping it real.  While mostly everything is good

with my mental health I still have a couple of complaints.  Right now my chief complaints are that I feel

"off" in the evening sometimes and I have low energy.  Feeling "off" is really hard to describe.

Basically I just start feeling different around 7 o'clock or 8 o'clock at night.  All I want to do is sleep and

close my eyes until it passes.  I used to think maybe it was anxiety, but since the anxiety medication

doesn't seem to help it I have my doubts.  I'm not sure what it is or what causes it.  The only way for it

to go away is to go to sleep, but it's hard to get to sleep when I feel like that.  In addition I have low

energy which leads to little desire to do things.  I do not feel depressed so I'm not sure what's causing it

and my providers don't either.

    Somewhere along the way (I think between Hawaii and Maryland) I no longer met the criteria for

PTSD.  With the help of EMDR therapy I had worked my way beyond that diagnosis.  Now I'm 

classified as having an unspecified anxiety disorder with previous trauma.  Even though the PTSD may 

have provoked the bipolar disorder, unfortunately I will always have bipolar 1 disorder.  That doesn't go

away.  This means I will likely be on medication for the rest of my life.  The way I look at it is people 

take medication for all types of things, why not for your mental health?  It's certainly better and more 

beneficial than self medicating.  I hear people say all the time I don't want to take medication or I refuse

to take medication.  I take my medication for my family.  They deserve a stable mother, wife, daughter

and sister.  

    While I no longer have PTSD, I still have triggers.  I also still have nightmares from time to time.  

Usually it's someone putting a gun up to their head.  It's not always the person I witnessed take his own 

life.  Sometimes it's other people I love and care about.

    Overall writing this blog has been freeing for me.  It has been very therapeutic.  I feel lighter.  I have 

more energy.  I just hope and pray it lasts.  If you're struggling right now I would encourage you to talk

to someone.  If you don't feel comfortable with or can't afford a counselor, talk to a friend or family

member.  If that isn't possible, then write everything that causing you pain or trouble down.  Just get it

out of your head.  I hope it's as therapeutic for you as it has been for me.

    Thank you for your time and support.  Please feel free to comment.  If you don't feel comfortable 

commenting on the blog, you are welcome to send me an email at suicideandptsd@gmail.com. I would

love to start a conversation with you.  Add your email for email updates on this blog.  I think you click

on the three white lines at the top, then it will allow you to add an email in order to get email updates.  I

plan to add more things to this blog as they come to me.