New providers

 I finally changed providers a week or two ago. Turns out it was long overdue. My new counselor helped me more in two sessions than my previous counselor did in over a year. I thought about either switching counselors or stopping going for awhile just didn't take the initiative cuz I wasn't doing terrible and I dread intakes. I actually look forward to my next appointment with my new counselor. 

I also found a new provider to manage my medications. She is a psychiatric nurse practitioner. This is the first time my main provider hasn't been a psychiatrist. Her approach is much different than anything I've experienced in the past. Time will tell if this is a good thing or not, but I'm hopeful and optimistic it will be. The first thing she did was go over my history and then she ordered genetic testing and more thorough blood work. My insurance covers it all which is a wonderful thing, but I'm frustrated given it's a covered benefit that no one has ever mentioned genetic testing to me before or try to do more thorough blood work. Supposedly the genetic testing will give my provider insight as to which medications and what doses may work best for me. I'm hopeful the results are accurate.

I thought I was on all the right medication until I started feeling better and having more energy and motivation. First I thought it was hypomania I was experiencing. However, now I think this is "normal" and before I was in a state of depression. Initially it was the right combination of meds I was on, but at some point that changed. Now the challenge is to figure out how to stay where I'm at and figure out a way to not feel so tired all the time.

This psych is a holistic provider and believes strongly in gut health and mental health being closely related. This is new to me, but I'm definitely open to learning and trying something new. Plus maybe it'll help me understand why my stomach is always hurting and make me feel better as a whole. 

After going over my mental health history my new psych mentioned she wasn't convinced that I have bipolar 1 disorder. She said I've experienced a lot of trauma and all my mental health concerns have been linked to that. She said that with depression you can experience psychosis. Manic episodes and psychosis have overlapping symptoms so it's hard to distinguish what your diagnosis should actually be. She also said depression can cause not sleeping. Since when I ended up in the hospital I hadn't slept for 12 days, she says anybody will be psychotic after that long with no sleep. I agree with that. For a long time I was in denial that I had bipolar 1 disorder because there were a lot of factors that went into why I ended up in the psych ward for nearly two weeks.  She said usually with bipolar disorder in childhood or adolescence you have a lot of ups and downs. I didn't experience any of that.  My problems other than depression didn't come to light until after I witnessed the suicide and acquired ptsd. Ptsd can cause a lot of problems too. She said she's going to keep my diagnosis as is, but she would like to get to know me better to see if it should be changed. 

This gives me mixed feelings. For years I was in denial that I had bipolar 1 disorder. Then I finally learned to accept it, even embrace it, live with the lifelong sentence, take my medication, and just roll with the punches. However hearing that it might not be bipolar disorder made me feel like maybe I was right all along and validated my feelings.