Awake

 It's about four o'clock in the morning. I've been up about two hours now. I fell asleep just fine with my son last night, but I guess I never turned the light off. Therefore when I woke up at two the light was shining in my eyes. I really didn't feel like getting up just to turn it off so I tried ignoring it and falling back asleep. I fell asleep for a couple of minutes I think, but then woke right back up and I've been up ever since.

The thing that initially prevented me from falling back asleep was replaying my initial visit to the hospital when I was diagnosed with the ectopic pregnancy. That led to thinking of all my recent visits to the hospital. Which of course led to do I want another baby. I thought long and hard about having another child for several years through my days in Hawaii and Maryland even, but I was not in a good headspace and I was hesitant giving my past experiences with being so sick with my son, the 36-hour labor, the delivery, the postpartum psychosis, his autism and speech challenges. Do I really want to potentially go through all of that all over again? Sometimes my answer is definitely not! However, there are times especially going through this ectopic that I want another child more than ever. So all that played through my head preventing me from falling back asleep.

At four o'clock I finally decided forget it, I'm getting up. When I came downstairs I started trying to problem solve on how my son and I are going to get all his school work done this week. I took a few hours for self-care yesterday getting my tattoos which unfortunately put us further behind, but it was necessary.

I know I'm far from the only one who's ever woken up in the middle of the night and had trouble sleeping. However, it seems as if most people just get overtired. I have to really monitor my sleep because a few sleepless nights can lead to hypomania where I don't feel like I need sleep at all. This then can lead to full-blown Mania where I haven't slept for weeks and I end up in the hospital again. I'm nowhere near there, just a little tired, but it's always a concern of what it could potentially turn into. I'm actually really lucky and impressed with myself that sleep troubles haven't been a consistent thing given my current situation.

Yesterday was a good day. I got two new tattoos. Not exactly the two I had thought I was going to get, but two I'm happy with. The first one was what I originally had the appointment for. The second one I had planned on he wanted to take more time to draw up so we had a consultation about that one and I got a different one yesterday. It was more of an impulse decision. I usually don't make those, I tend to think long and hard about things. But it felt good to just do it. I put it on the back of my neck so if I'm not crazy about it I don't have to see it. Everyone else sees it and I'm okay with that or I'll just cover it up with my hair. In addition, while picking up some paper work, I got to see my favorite nurse yesterday for a few minutes where we were just laughing and it wasn't so serious. It was nice to share those moments in a different light.

Well it was 4:40 a.m. when I finished writing this. Now it's 5:09 as I'm wrapping up putting this online. I don't know why but typing it up isn't nearly as therapeutic for me as writing it on good old-fashioned paper. Hopefully writing this out will help me to get back to sleep. I guess I better try to lay back down before my son wakes up in about an hour.