Week 1 recap

 The first ketamine treatment seemed to be really beneficial. The next morning after doing it I woke up and started cleaning the bathrooms. I walked up and down the stairs effortlessly.  I was more productive than I had been in months. The second day after the first ketamine my stomach was hurting but I still put away some clothes before going to my second treatment. I'm not so sure if the second treatment was beneficial. The last couple days I've been kind of back to the way i was where I just want to sleep all the time. The last two nights I've just been so tired I fall asleep early not feeling off because my muscles aren't twitching or anything just like in a calm way I felt like really tired. So some was similar to when i fell off but i didn't need propranolol because my body was calm. However tonight I feel off again, my legs won't stop moving. I've taken Propranolol all that I can take. Not sure it did any good. If it did it didn't work as well as I needed it too since my legs are still shaking. Propranolol is supposed to take away the physical symptoms. Still unknown whether I have akathisia or if it's anxiety. Ever since I did the second treatment two days ago I've felt like I've been in a daze. I've been able to function just not quite feeling like I'm all the way present. 

I saw my counselor yesterday. She said it was nice to see me laughing and smiling and my facial expressions just seemed more animated or lighter or something she said. She said I was talking about stuff still, but it wasn't so heavy, it seemed lighter. My Suicidal Thoughts have increased the last couple days. That concerns me. The good thing is they've just been fleeting. I haven't been stuck on them. But still they're there and I have to fight them off. I don't think it's from coming off the lithium because last night was the first night I didn't take it and the increase in Suicidal Thoughts had started probably a day or two before that. So I'm supposed to take lithium tonight, skip tomorrow night, take it the next night, then be completely off of it. I'm hoping the ketamine makes up for it and I don't notice that I stopped taking it.

I've been listening to music pretty much non-stop for the last couple days. In the past I had to listen to it to focus on something because my mind would wander and it was just full of too much stuff. This time it's more like I'm in a daze and it's kind of like keeping me awake and engaged in something. It's also helping me fight off intrusive thoughts.