Ketamine #2

 From what I understand ketamine comes in three forms which are oral, nasal and IV. I am doing the IV infusions. My nurse said that those are better than the nasal ones because you get 100% of it whereas the nasal you only get like 60 to 80% of it and you really don't know how much you got. With the IV you get it all. I thought it was interesting that they have something they can put in the bag with the ketamine to lessen the effects if they're too much for you.

Yesterday was my second infusion. The first one they put me on 40 and the runtime was an hour and a half. The second time they kept it at 40 even though I was hoping they'd up it. However,  instead of upping it they wanted to decrease my time. So yesterday I stayed on the 40 with a run time of 1 hour and 8 minutes. My nurse was very happy with that. She said now next time we can go up to 45. My target is 50 so the more I can do the more benefit I'll get out of it. They started me at a lower dose and longer time because of my history of chronic nausea and vomiting. The first time I had to do 12 mg of Zofran and eat crackers and drink ginger ale. The second one which was yesterday I did 8 mg of Zofran up front before we ever started still ate the crackers and ginger ale. I got nauseous a few times but by the time there was a break in conversation where I could say something I had either forgotten about it or it was gone. Therefore I never took the last 4 mg I was allowed to take of Zofran. So my run time was 22 minutes less and I used two doses of Zofran instead of three. I think a big reason for that was because yesterday my appointment was at 10:00 whereas the first time my appointment was at 1:00. You can't eat three to four hours before your infusion but it also can't be too long since you have eaten. There's like a little window of a perfect time to eat. So for the first one I wasn't really hungry but I had to force myself to eat about 8:30. Then come 11:30 I was starving but I couldn't eat so that made me feel nauseous. So I felt nauseous before I ever even started the ketamine the first time. The second time my stomach was messed up too but in a different way. I'm kind of upset with the nurse practitioner that she didn't just up my dose yesterday. My nurse thought she would since I got through the first one okay but she wanted to decrease the time first. My nurse has extra time so she didn't care that it took longer and thought it would be fine but the nurse practitioner says everyone has a two-hour window and I need to get my time down so I don't run the risk of getting over that. I want to get the most out of this that I can. 

Yesterday I felt the effects of the ketamine a lot more than I did the first time. I pretty much just felt like I was drunk. It got more intense towards the last like 10 or 15 minutes which I'm not sure why maybe cuz it like settled at the bottom of the bag or something maybe. I don't know but it was more intense. It was harder to stay concentrated. I had planned to just listen to music and let my mind wander but I ended up talking the whole time to the nurse instead. After talking to my counselor yesterday I realized that I can't give up control anymore. She said that it's probably linked to trauma that I've seen what happens when you're out of control so I won't allow myself to get that way. She said it's robbing me of being healthy out of control it's a controlled environment and I should just let my mind wander and see where it takes me. It might be more beneficial. But instead I talked to stay grounded and try to stay focused on something. I'm going to try talking less next time and see what happens. It's interesting because when I was younger I enjoyed being high and drunk and the feeling of just kind of being free and just going with whatever happens. But in recent years I can't allow myself to get that way and I can't even get drunk I just don't allow it.

It's really interesting because after they turn off the ketamine within like 5 minutes you come down and you feel pretty much fine. Some people find it hard to walk feeling like their feet are heavier, might wobble a little bit. I was told some people have to get pushed out in a wheelchair. It hasn't been like that for me so far I just got to walk kind of slow and be careful. But you're pretty clear mentally. I saw my counselor after yesterday and she said I was just easier. It seemed easier for me to talk and more willing to try new things. Like she took me through some visualization things to try to figure out what's going on with my stomach. Seemed kind of wonky but I went along with it. If I hadn't been on the ketamine I probably would have been a lot more skeptical. She said I wasn't loopy. I was just like a toddler halfway between being asleep and awake. She wants to see me the next two times after I've done the ketamine. 

So far I've been way more productive and able to do things the past couple days. I realized when I was cleaning the bathrooms the other morning that I went up and down the stairs effortlessly. Like I'd forget the cleaning stuff so I'd have to go downstairs and get something else and then go back upstairs to clean.  I cleaned on the bottom floor and the top floor. Most of the time in the morning when I get up I brush my teeth and I grab whatever clothes I'll need for the day so I don't have to go back upstairs. If I forget my ring or something I just don't go back up to get it. I usually don't walk back up the stairs until the night time when it's time to go to bed. But the other day I did it without even thinking. I don't think people understand how heavy depression is. Most people think that you just want to be happy and giggle and laugh 24/7. A lot of it is just being able to function and do the things normal people do effortlessly. It's been nice to feel a little lighter the last few days. I'm hoping it continues and just gets better. Today I woke up with a headache and my nose was a little stuffy. Colorado is dry so maybe that's why. There was a damn dog barking at 4:30 in the morning for over an hour so my sleep was interrupted. I don't know if that played a role in it too. It was hard for me to get up today. I wanted to stay in bed but I did get up. I went and got myself my own energy drink instead of waiting for my husband to wake up to go get it. I've been avoiding driving for a while but I did it today willingly. Well I was still kind of hesitant but I was able to do it. 

Other than going to the gas station and now writing this blog, I haven't really done anything today yet. Not sure what I'll do when I'm done with this.  If I'll just hang on the couch and wait for my appointment at 11:00 or clean or fold clothes or something I don't know. I guess we'll see. My next ketamine infusion isnt for multiple days, not until next week. So we'll see if I start feeling worse by then or if things just maintain or what. I'm a little anxious to see what happens with going up to the 45 next week. Also I'm on my last three lithium. I'm hoping that with starting the ketamine infusions I don't even notice that I go off the lithium. I'm a bit nervous about that too. I'm getting off the lithium because if I were to get pregnant it can be harmful to the baby.