I was only back in Hawaii for a couple months before I started falling down into a very deep
depression. It was almost like a switch. I went from being manic to depressed over night. Of course
no one warned me after you are really high (manic) you will fall just as hard (depression). If I had
known this I probably wouldn't have rushed back to Hawaii. I would've stayed in Colorado where I was
getting help. Anyway I started having suicidal thoughts. When it was only about me I could handle it.
However, when I started having feelings of harming my child and taking him with me I returned to
Colorado.
I stayed in Colorado for four months during the winter time because I needed help that bad and felt
that afraid of being left alone with my child. While there my mom would make me walk everyday on
her treadmill. I also attended a couple of depression and bipolar group meetings called DBSA
(depression and bipolar support alliance). I was just getting by.
When I returned to Hawaii I was still really depressed. I would go to my counseling sessions, my
group therapy sessions, and see my psychiatrist. I began EMDR treatment to address my previous
trauma. Otherwise if I wasn't taking my son to school, ABA therapy or one of his appointments I
slept. I laid down in bed all day. It was completely unhealthy. Sometimes I would force myself to sit
in the sun for 20 minutes or go for a walk around the block, but otherwise I was laying in bed. For
anyone who has struggled with depression I'm sure you know how hard it can be to get out of bed and
do anything.
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