Tuesday, January 19, 2021

Very deep depression

     I was only back in Hawaii for a couple months before I started falling down into a very deep

depression.  It was almost like a switch.  I went from being manic to depressed over night.  Of course

no one warned me after you are really high (manic) you will fall just as hard (depression).  If I had

known this I probably wouldn't have rushed back to Hawaii.  I would've stayed in Colorado where I was

getting help.  Anyway I started having suicidal thoughts.  When it was only about me I could handle it.

However, when I started having feelings of harming my child and taking him with me I returned to 

Colorado.

    I stayed in Colorado for four months during the winter time because I needed help that bad and felt

that afraid of being left alone with my child.  While there my mom would make me walk everyday on

her treadmill.  I also attended a couple of depression and bipolar group meetings called DBSA

(depression and bipolar support alliance).  I was just getting by.

    When I returned to Hawaii I was still really depressed.  I would go to my counseling sessions, my 

group therapy sessions, and see my psychiatrist.  I began EMDR treatment to address my previous 

trauma.  Otherwise if I wasn't taking my son to school, ABA therapy or one of his appointments I 

slept.  I laid down in bed all day.  It was completely unhealthy.  Sometimes I would force myself to sit

in the sun for 20 minutes or go for a walk around the block, but otherwise I was laying in bed.  For 

anyone who has struggled with depression I'm sure you know how hard it can be to get out of bed and

do anything.


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