Better sleep, provider response

 After having such a good day yesterday I took about a 20 minute nap and woke up feeling depressed again, having passive suicidal thoughts and feeling like getting through the night was nearly impossible. So much for the all up from here hope. 

All in all last night I slept much better. I went upstairs about 9:30 to lay down. I ended up having really bad stomach pains until 11. I was able to mostly resolve those and get back to bed about 11. I probably fell asleep about 11:30 and woke up at 5:30. Laid in bed until about 7 and got up. Not really sure how I'm doing yet today. Not amped up, not too tired, no desire or motivation to do much, but I feel like that could possibly change soon. It doesn't feel impossible like it usually does.  

The provider over seeing my tms and ketamine treatments emailed me back. I was thoroughly impressed because it was very thorough and thought out. I was totally expecting a few lines followed by we'll discuss further at your follow up next month. She said it was absolutely common to experience an emotional "purging" during tms as well as ketamine. It is common to experience very rapid and INTENSE mood shifts, tearfulness, and disruptions in sleep. Sure would of been nice to have been told this prior to treatment so i could've thoroughly thought out if i wanted to go through with it or not or at least be more prepared of things to expect beforehand. She said something important to note- ketamine can enhance the mood state you are in when you receive the infusion- positive or negative. She said you absolutely do not have to focus on anything intensive during the infusion. Ketamine targets glutamate receptors which helps ptsd, depression and anxiety. It also is one of the only medications that's creates growth of neurons and synapses. Ketamine will do that whether or not you are journaling/thinking/etc.

She also mentioned she thought I could really get improved symptom management with a medication adjustment. She said she wonders if the extremely high doses of welbutrin and latuda could be causing akathisia or restless leg syndrome. My current provider has mentioned this too. It could be the reason for the "off" feeling I get. However the medicine given to combat that doesn't seem to help. 

My "off" feeling has actually gotten better. I used to feel like I just had to escape and try to sleep through it and wait for it to pass. The past week or so I still have times where my legs and arms won't stop shaking which is annoying but I have been able to function through it and stay awake. This makes me think maybe it's being triggered by anxiety. The tms and ketamine are both supposed to help with anxiety. So maybe they're helping with that and that's why the "off" feeling doesn't affect me so much mentally anymore.

Diagnoses can really suck so much and it's amazing how they can affect you and make you over think so much. Yesterday i was over thinking everything. It's like even when I'm feeling good I question if I'm "allowed" to feel that way or if it's hypomania and a red flag I need to watch out before I become manic. When I'm sleep deprived I actually have more energy and feel kind of amped up. Is that hypomania or am I just not feeling depressed? I recently spent a lot more on a mattress and base than I anticipated. I went out not even intending to buy a base. I researched for days, visited multiple stores and spent countless hours trying to make a decision. I didn't just walk by a store and say yep I want that one and buy it. Was I hypomanic over spending and I need to watch out before it leads to Mania or am I just fed up with feeling like shit and want to be comfortable so I can sleep well so I'm willing to spend more? Why can't I just live without over thinking every little thing I do...