In 2012 I got pregnant with my first child. I was extremely sick the entire pregnancy. If I moved I
threw up, if I didn't move I threw up. As a result I spent the entire nine months on the couch. I was not
active at all yet I lost 30 pounds. Though I didn't realize it, I'm sure I was pretty depressed.
February 2013 I gave birth. After the baby was born was no easier than the pregnancy. I would hear
my son crying when he wasn't crying. I was obsessed with him. I took pictures of every little thing he
did and I had pictures of him all over my house. There was one point where I saw his umbilical chord
in my bagel. It obviously was not. I was seeing things, hallucinating. When my milk came in I felt like
I was on an incredible drug. I was on cloud nine. I kept having panic attacks. I hadn't slept much for a
couple weeks. Hadn't taken a shower. Hadn't eaten. I was just drinking tons of water. I obviously was
not taking good care of myself.
There was one day I didn't feel quite right so I asked my friend to come over while my husband was
gone. She spent several hours with me. She came over thinking I was just struggling with the new
baby. In reality the baby wasn't the problem. I was the problem. I would go through spells where I
didn't remember anything. For instance, I would forget how to breast feed the baby. I would only be
able to remember one step. It was as if I needed constant reminders and assistance with everything at
times. That is why I had asked my friend to come over. I didn't trust that I would remember how to
take care of the baby on my own. My friend left my house worried about me.
My sister in law came over one day unannounced and ended up cooking for me when she saw what
condition I was in. I was like food, what's food? After I ate I felt much better. I felt like a new person
really.
After that I went to my mom's house for several days to recover, get some sleep and get back on
track. It wasn't until years later when I was talking to a psychiatrist I learned that I had had postpartum
psychosis. No one had even mentioned postpartum depression to me, let alone postpartum psychosis.
I was also told that that is often one of the first signs of bipolar disorder. I wish someone would of
recognized what I was going through so I could've gotten some real, professional help. Doctors nor my
counselor recognized nor identified what I was experiencing.
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