Up for the 2nd night in a row

 Once again I'm up early. This time it was 3:11 I woke up. I washed my tattoo, said hi to my husband and tried to go back to sleep. However I just laid there for about an hour until I decided might as well just get up. I remember I had a provider once who said you shouldn't just lay there longer than 20-30 minutes without falling asleep because then you train your body into thinking it's OK to be awake in bed.  Therefore after about 20-30 minutes you should get up and do something. Then when you feel ready lay back down to try to sleep again.  

I think it's a good thing that I am yawning and feel tired still. If I was wide awake and felt like I didn't need sleep that would be more concerning. However it is the second night in a row of less than ideal sleep. I need to keep an eye on this. Last time I only slept for five or six hours a night for an extended period of time I was hypomanic. While in my opinion being hypomanic is a good place to be I just have to be really careful I monitor it so it doesn't turn into full-blown Mania. Hopefully I don't have to worry about any of that and this is just a fluke or a new normal I don't have to worry about.  While I slept less than 6 hours I haven't slept 12 hours either so there is positive there. Also 5 hours is better than 2 hours or nothing at all.  It seems usually between 6 and 10 hours is ideal for me.

Figuring out the ideal amount of time for me to sleep has been a work-in-progress anyway. I tend to feel the best when I sleep about 6 hours. However when that happened consistently I was hypomanic. So should I just live in that state cuz that's where I should be and I feel the best? Or is that a danger zone because it's the stepping stone for Mania? Do I push for more sleep than that so I'm "even" or "normal"? Or is 6 hours really ideal for me and the hypomanic state I was in was not due in part to sleep? Truth is I don't know the answer and don't know if I ever will.  With any luck I'll figure it out sooner than later. It seems if I'm not up in the middle of the night like this,  I sleep way too much.  I have trouble getting up,  don't want to get up,  still feel tired and try to take naps any chance I get or even create time for. Please someone tell me there's a happy medium. 

Just doing more research I found that cherry blossoms symbolize a time of renewal and the fleeting nature of life.  In addition there beauty peaks around two weeks which is about how long I was in the hospital.  There are flowers in my tattoo I didn't know were cherry blossoms until I asked the artist.  Feels like another God sighting.  I feel stable so is it OK to believe that? These are the things I struggle with. 

Another Tattoo

 Yesterday was a tough day. It was tough mainly because I saw a new counselor for the first time. Every time you start with a new counselor or really any new provider they always do an intake. Even though I shared the link to my blog with her she still had to ask me questions. Although it wasn't as bad as others have been in the past, it still brought up enough that I had more on my mind than I wished to. It also made me realize that some things I thought I had already faced and worked through I still have more work to do on. It's a hard reality.

Today was much better. Even though it started out with me waking up at 3:48 not being able to fall back to sleep it actually ended up being a good thing. At first when I got up I thought about writing in my blog. However I didn't really know where to start. I was scheduled to get a tattoo today, but my arm was still sore from the vaccine so I wasn't sure if I was even going to follow through with getting a tattoo today or not.  Anyhow I started researching different flowers meanings in case I decided against a rose. While doing this I stumbled across the oak flower which I'd never heard of.  I discovered it meant strength which led me to oak leaves which hold the same meaning as the flowers. It resulted in me coming up with an entirely new tattoo idea the morning of all by myself.  Anyone who knows me knows I always ask for others opinions rather I listen to them or not. The way this all happened and worked out so well made me think was that a God sighting? Was that evidence of the spirit working in my life?

Once again getting my tattoo was very therapeutic for me. This time he didn't even wrap it up so I have to be careful and wash it a million times, which I like. It's a good distraction. On top of that I get to go back in a couple weeks to get shading and color added and go through the process again. I'm intrigued by this masterpiece to see what it will turn out to be.