Since the last time I wrote in this blog I had another ectopic pregnancy and now a miscarriage. I'm going in in a couple hours for a D&C (surgery) to clean out my uterus since I haven't yet miscarried on my own. It has been a very long week just waiting for it to happen. That's why I decided on the D&C so I wouldn't have to wait any longer. It's been consuming me. I found out a week ago yesterday that there was no heartbeat. I held on to it for a couple days hoping that the ultrasound was wrong, that they just missed it and everything would be okay. But it wasn't. It isn't.
I was encouraged this time because we made it over the hurdle of getting the pregnancy in the uterus. But something still went wrong. I wonder if I'll ever be able to have another child and question how badly I really want one. A counselor thinks maybe I don't want any more because I may not be able to have one and it's my way of coping. Maybe in part, but I've questioned if i want another one for several years. I just decided I was getting older and I didn't want to regret not at least trying for another child. I think if I just never would've gotten pregnant again I could go on knowing I tried and give it up much easier. Having been pregnant now 3 more times and experiencing the roller coaster of emotions there are times when all I can think about is another child and I want nothing more than to have a healthy child.
