Today has been a hard day. I've been dealing with an ectopic pregnancy for nearly four months now. Before you go saying congrats go look up the word. It's basically where it's a pregnancy, but the baby is growing somewhere outside of the uterus. Many people call this a tubal pregnancy because it is often in the tubes. However, they could not show me where the baby was growing. They could only show me where it wasn't growing. If the baby continues to grow outside of the uterus it becomes life-threatening for the mother (me). Therefore, I had to terminate the pregnancy by receiving medication.
Initially the medication worked. Between days four and 7 my HCG (pregnancy hormone) had dropped by nearly 30%, almost double what they were looking for. I was off to a good start in their eyes. Then, I had to go into the lab every week after that to make sure my HCG was going down. This took a toll on me emotionally for multiple reasons. Seeing all the pregnant women and newborn babies was hard, sitting there forever was hard, not being able to try again for another baby is hard. It's all just hard. I feel like I've overcome quite a bit in life, I've been resilient, but this is still hard. Sure I can tap into my toolbox of things I've learned along my journey, but it is still hard. I know I will get through it, but it's still hard. And on top of everything there's still no end in sight. This could go on for another four plus months. Nobody knows.
I'm trying to remain optimistic that this will hurry up and get over, but I feel like that will hurt too. I'm trying to remain optimistic that we will be able to try again sooner than later, we'll still want another child by then, and the pregnancy will be normal without complications. I keep having to quiet the voices in my head that make me think otherwise or question what if scenarios. The nurse told me today I hope we can look back on this in another year and you'll be pregnant with the baby in the right spot or you'll already have given birth to a healthy baby and we'll just look back at this time as a speed bump in the road. I'm going to hold on to that and keep telling myself that and pray to God she's right.
I'm so tempted to smoke again. I haven't smoked for quite some time, but I'm really having to fight off the urge to do it. If I do give in to the temptation I need to look at it as a healing mechanism, not a failure. Just a way for me to cope and push through. I'll quit again like I've done every other time. I know I will.
The main outlet I've found over the past couple months is ink therapy. I've gotten four new tattoos so far and at least one more tomorrow, possibly more. There are so many things I am not allowed to or not supposed to do with this ectopic, but no one told me I couldn't get a tattoo. They have been very therapeutic for me. You get a tattoo it hurts/ is irritating, you watch yourself bleed, it sometimes scabs, it heals, you nurture it by washing it and keeping lotion on it. It heals into something beautiful. You're still hurting when it's healed, but it's a great distraction.
In addition, I've reached out to people. I reached out to multiple people via text and I've asked a couple of people to meet up. It's hard for me to ask people to get together, but I know it's necessary. So in that regard I'm actually doing better at taking care of myself now than before the ectopic. I see the pastor most weeks and go to church when I can.
Finally I'm hoping writing this blog is therapeutic. I've been pretty scatterbrained today, can't focus on much and I've had a lot on my mind. I'm hoping by getting it out on paper I can focus on other things and move forward.
